Main Site

In Sync with ParentLink: A Parenting Blog for Everyone

Love Me My Way!

February 2025

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways,” is a line from a poem by the poet, Elizabeth Barrett Browning. She poses a great question worth considering. So I ask you, do your children know you love them? If so, how? If not, why not? I mean, can they truly count the ways? Love can be expressed in a number of ways. It can also be experienced in a number of ways. At times, the way we express love and the way those around us experience that love just don’t gel. If the love language you are speaking isn’t the love language that your child understands, you are basically speaking a foreign language to them. Not being able to understand can be frustrating and even lead to not feeling loved. The ultimate goal is to make sure that we are expressing love in a way that the recipient’s experience is a beneficial one, not a burdensome one. How do we do that? Well, I’m glad you asked! The best way to ensure that we are filling the love tanks of those around us is to truly know them. One way to know them is to spend time with them engaged in quality experiences. Another way to know them is to observe them. There are a variety of other ways, but these are a couple worth making note of. We can’t just assume that, because they are our children, that we automatically know all there is to know about them. We must remain curious about what feeds and fuels them. You wouldn’t put regular gas in a car that runs on premium gas, would you? In the same way, it’s not wise to pump things into your child that will cause them to run less efficiently. All love is not created equal in the sense that not everyone is blessed by the same thing. Find out what their needs are. Express love to them in the language that they understand. The more you do, the more they will blossom. This goes for children of our own, children we are caring for, and children that we are teaching.

If you connected with these words and want to chat more, please don’t hesitate to call, text, or email our Warmline at (573) 882-7323, 585-FAMILY1 or at parentlink@missouri.edu. Our team at SchoolLink is also available at 844-686-6854, or schoollink@missouri.edu. Find us on Facebook at facebook.com/parentlink or facebook.com/schoollink.

Reflecting

Whether you love resolutions or despise them, no one can argue that January is a good time to slow down and reflect. It is cold outside, we are cozy inside, and it is the start of a new year…the perfect recipe for creating time to reflect. I would argue that as a parent or caregiver, reflection is key and we do not do enough of it. Reflection is defined as “serious thought or consideration” and I would venture to guess that while we frequently reflect on whether or not we are eating too many processed carbs, working out enough, or promising ourselves that this is the year that we really will clean those baseboards, we are most likely not taking the time to reflect on parenting and our relationships with our families.

 Sometimes reflection is difficult. It’s time consuming and often triggering to take good look at what we are doing and to ask ourselves difficult questions. Simply put, it is difficult to be honest with ourselves and admit that maybe what we are currently doing isn’t working. It is easy to blame others or society instead of reflecting on our current behavior and patterns in order to make changes. Social media can be a wonderful tool for self-reflection, but if used inappropriately, it can create a toxic space that contributes to a cycle of distress, where parents vent about their children and families. When we do this, we forget that as adults, we are in charge of our own emotions and feelings. We forget that we are in control of how we show up, how we respond, and that we are responsible for modeling the skills we wish to impart on the children in our care.  

A new year can welcome quiet excitement about new ideas. The desire to improve is rooted in reflection. Reflection can often get a bad wrap. Many parents and caregivers express to me when they call into the Warmline that they have zero time to sit and think. In addition, they say that they are too busy or hate writing in a journal. Although I would argue that sitting quietly with yourself and your thoughts is vital to emotional and mental well-being, I agree that our society’s mentality is to push through and to busy ourselves because sitting with our thoughts and reflecting can be overwhelming and uncomfortable. Thus, start small! When you are cooking dinner, think about what you want your home to look and feel like. Don’t think about how it’s decorated, but rather, how do you want it to feel when you walk in the door? Picture that. Does your house have a feeling? Are you smelling certain smells? Are there piles of books and craft projects out that represent fun family activities or is everything tidy and picked up? These reflections about your home will help you to create a value-based home. A value-based home is one that mirrors the values you would like to teach and instill in your children. If honesty is valued in your home, how does that show up? Does it show up in lively dinner conversations where everyone feels safe to share the good, bad, and ugly about their day? Or does it show up when you are sitting with your child reading a book before bed, when you’re making connections between their day and the story? Similarly, if you value peace in your home what does that look and feel like? Do you have predictable rhythms that make you feel as a busy parent safe and secure cause you know what to expect? Or does it look like lighting the candles while you sit and eat together at the dinner table? What is valued in your home? How will you help make those values a part of your home and your life inside your home?

Next, on your way to work or in the shower, think about your strengths as a parent. Reflect on what you do well, what you are proud of. Why are you proud? If you have time and space, sit with those thoughts and maybe write them out. Think of three specific examples of your strengths. When did you “not yell” and instead took some deep breaths before you talked with your teen? When did you connect with the kids before bedtime? What did that look like? Replay those specific situations in your mind and feel proud of yourself. Honor yourself by thinking or writing WHY you are proud and how you made that happen. What changes caused these proud moments? What mindset shifts played a role?

Finally, what didn’t go well? What is something you would like to work on? For example, if you would like to work on modeling honesty for your children, how can you make that happen? What are two action steps you can follow so that you can model honesty? If you found yourself venting about others or gossiping in front of your children, how can you change that behavior? In addition, who can help you meet this goal? Why is this goal of not gossiping important to you? Reflect on these questions and if you have the time and space, write your thoughts down as there is power in seeing it in print. The notes app on your phone can be used for reflection as well.

Reflection causes us to pause and to think about what we want and how to get there. Refection is not hurried, and it is not something to check off a to do list. It is a state of being; an opportunity to give yourself the space and time to be with your thoughts. Reflection does not result in shame or judgement, and it is personal. Your reflections about parenthood or your home and the way it is run do not have to be shared or posted on social media. In addition, here is no right or wrong way to reflect. It can be done sitting in your favorite chair at home, journal in hand, or it can be done while sitting in your car before you walk in to work. It can be done while you shower or cook dinner or while you walk around the block over your lunch hour.

Reflection questions:

What do I want for my family?

What do I want my home to feel like?

What am I proud of?

What would I like to work on?

Am I showing up in a way that models the values that are important to my family?

If you would like a sounding board, or someone to help you problem solve after reflecting, please don’t hesitate to call, text, or email our Warmline at (573) 882-7323, 585-FAMILY1 or at parentlink@msisouri.edu. We would love to support you and your family this winter.

Winter 2024

Addressing technology and phone issues with older children and teenagers can often be tricky. It can be difficult to want to try to do things differently; sometimes we get scared of the backlash (and of our teen’s response) and so we become paralyzed and don’t address the issue at all. Therefore, it’s huge that you are desiring change and are taking the steps to problem solve.

First, I think it’s important to talk about typical responses to changing limits or taking time/a device away. You can expect some unhappiness, some voiced frustration, moodiness, and even arguing in an angry tone. This would be typical…they are going to be unhappy with the change. Up to this point they have gotten unlimited (or certainly a lot of access) to the phone and now you are putting boundaries in place…they will certainly express their unhappiness about the changes, and they will use their best reasoning and argumentative skills in hopes of gaining more access and time with the phone. A common mistake is bargaining or arguing back and forth. As parents, one of the toughest parts of our job is to hold firm when we are changing something for the good of our family. And certainly, phone limits and less time on the phone is best for them…the research shows us this.

I think it helps to think: MORE instead of LESS. Instead of focusing on what you are removing, think of what you are adding in. Express this to the kids as well. It’s also okay to admit that you are learning about phone limits too. We all are! We did not grow up with a computer in our pocket and endless entertainment. So, it makes sense that as we learn more, we have to change our boundaries and expectations. Kids like to hear that we are not experts and we screw up too. Please know that I’m not implying that you’ve “screwed up” in any way…I use this term because it is “teen/child friendly”. They like it when we admit that we are not perfect and that we sometimes “screw up” and get things wrong and have to work hard towards amending our previous rules and boundaries 😊 We are adding in MORE nature, MORE time with friends in real life, MORE movement/exercise, MORE sleep when we enact phone limits. Of course, teenagers are not necessarily going to shout “YAY! MORE nature!” Of course not…that would be too easy! But it’s important that they know what YOU value as a mom and what, as a family, you value. And no parent that I’ve ever spoken to has said, “What I value is time spent in the same house as my family where we are all on our phones.” It sounds cheesy to create a family mission statement or talk about family values out loud, but it is so important for family success and well being. You can say, “In our family, _____ is important to us” or “_______ (your last name) spend time together outside.”

You can also talk about positive uses for tech/phones. Anything that is “active” is positive because it encourages human interaction, using language skills, communicating in real time, learning facial expressions, and bonding:

  • Facetiming family members
  • Calling grandparents or other relatives to check in
  • Calling/Texting a friend to meet up in real life
  • I would also argue that podcasts and audiobooks are a positive use of the phone (with limits)

We want to avoid passive use of phones. This includes gaming and consuming social media. When kids passively engage with technology on an everyday basis they are not learning or growing. It’s SO important for teenagers to develop a sense of purpose through real life interactions with others and this can only be done when they are not on their phones. When the majority of their social encounters are through tech they are not learning how to engage in relationships, how to “feel” feelings, and they are not trying new things. Children and teens need interactions off of devices so they can experience the world through all five senses. Also, virtual relationships promote anxiety and loneliness because they are empty and are devoid of community. One of my favorite quotes is: “Children thrive when they are rooted in real world communities, not in virtual networks.” I think this is true for all of us, for children and adults.

It’s important to do some reflecting before you decide on the new boundaries:

  1. What do I want our home to feel and look like?
  2. What phone use am I comfortable with?
  3. How do I feel about my own phone use?
  4. Am I ready to model healthy behavior with my phone in front of the kids?
  5. How will I go about setting the phone limits?
    • Will I use the screen time options to create limits?
    • Will I buy a program that helps me to turn off the Wifi in my house?

It’s very helpful to do this reflecting before talking with the kids because although you are in charge (as the adult in the house), you are not the phone police! This is too big of a job for you or for anyone. You have many purposes in life and none of those involves spending hours policing phone usage. Come up with a plan and then spend time thinking about how you will carry it out.

Some parents find it easier to go “cold turkey” and take the phones away completely.

Some parents institute a “no phone policy” at home and allow their children to take the phone with them when they are out with friends.

Some parents allow windows of time for phone use at home.

Whatever you decide, please be consistent. Whether they will admit it or not, teenagers are crying out for stability, peace, time to themselves OFF of a screen, and for you to be in charge. If you set a boundary and flip flop they will feel uneasy and anxious because there is a crack in the expectation. Firm does not mean authoritative or mean. Firm is providing consistency and love.

Open communication helps when you are setting a new boundary. As I mentioned above, admit that you are not happy with the way things are going. Admit that you are trying something new: “I love you and care about you. We are going to work through this together because being on our phones all the time isn’t good for us. I know this now and I want us to work together to fix it. I know you are going to have strong feelings about this and I’m ready to hear about it. I care how you feel.”

I think we all want a “one and done” conversation and phone use/tech is going to be an ongoing issue because as new information comes out we have to adjust as parents. Or maybe we set boundaries, and everything is going well and then we get sick and allow the phone for an afternoon and we let the boundaries slide and then have to start from scratch or reevaluate the limits. Teenagers are communicative and insightful. If we are connected and encourage open dialogue, then we can always work together as new situations arise. It helps to say, “Hey, I know that the phone use got out of control last week when I was sick. I wasn’t great about making you put your phone in the charging box overnight, but we are going to go back to our normal phone limits and use this week. How do you feel like things are going? I’m ready to listen if you want to talk to me about it.”

If we accept that it might be an ongoing topic of conversation then it’s easier to accept bumps in the road. This also helps with a mindset switch. Rather than thinking of our teenagers as “terrible kids who just want to play on their phones and ignore everyone” we can instead think, “Man, this has gotten out of hand. What can I add into our day that doesn’t involve a phone?” or “How can I work WITH my kid so that we have some fun together and aren’t constantly fighting about a piece of metal?”

If teenage phone use is something you would like to talk more about, please call our Warmline at (573) 882-7323 or text 585-FAMILY1…we would love to support you!

It’s Summer, Now What?

June 2024

May can be fun but an overwhelming grind to the finish line if you are the parent or caregiver of a student. The endless spirit days, remembering to add lunch money, making sure your child turns in missing assignments, and showing up to award ceremonies and graduation celebrations in the middle of the work day.
We collectively breathe in a sign of relief when it’s over. “Summer is here!”
Social media tells us that there are only so many days left with our children at home. I read a Facebook post last week about “18 Summers” and immediately felt panicky. I only have three summers with my oldest at home before he embarks on his post-secondary adventures. Was I doing enough? Was I spending enough time with him? Was I being “fun enough”? Instantly I felt a wave of anxiety rush over me. Summer is a fun but it’s also a time of transition, change, and if we are being honest, very little time for relaxation. 😊
In that moment I took a breath and thought, what do I need to make this Summer enjoyable?
First, I need to realize that there’s no rule book to summer and it’s not a competition to see “who summers best”. There’s no medal! My summer will look different than my friend’s summer. And that’s okay. Some parents take summer vacations and some do not. Some parents work all day in the summer and some parents have a summer break. Some children will attend camps, have summer jobs, and attend practices, and some will not. “Of course this is true we think to ourselves, obviously everyone’s summer looks different.” However, I would encourage you to take a minute to sit down with yourself and think about what your summer will look like. Write down the obligations: the practices, camps, or your work schedule. For example, what do you already have planned? Personally, I work 8-5pm and my oldest has a baseball obligation four out of five days of the week. I wrote it down. It calms my brain when I physically write our schedule out…our brain holds a lot of information but be kind to yourself…write it down. Next, give yourself grace and accept that your might look different from your friends. Maybe you don’t have a vacation on the books but you are excited to have more family dinners. Maybe you have two family trips planned but are going to have to spend more time in the car. Take a minute to accept what your June, July, and August reality looks like.
Next, consider the question, what time will I give to myself during the day? The majority of us spend our days working for others and caring for others at home. During the summer when there are changes to our normal school year routines, it’s easy to forget to pencil ourselves in. Time to ourselves can look a daily workout class, reading for 15 minutes while your coffee brews, or walking the dogs after everyone goes to bed. YOU matter during the summer. Make caring for yourself in small ways a priority, especially when the days seem longer than usual. Again, pencil the time in. Block it in your Outlook calendar, write it in your planner. If you are caring for children, tell them about your scheduled time. It’s important that children know that you are a human being with needs and interests. You can say, “I’m going to sit on the couch and read until the timer goes off. You are welcome to sit next to me and read your book too.” If you have a partner, make sure he/she/they know about your plans.
Finally, it is important to remember that you are many things: a parent, caregiver, partner, daughter, colleague, etc. but you are NOT a cruise director! It is not your responsibility to provide the children in your home with endless entertainment. It is your responsibility to provide them with a safe and nurturing environment, but it is not your job to entertain them from the time they wake up until the time they go to bed. It is not sustainable to be available to everyone around the clock. When my children were small, and even now, at 13 and 15, I plan one activity a day. That activity can be “eat ice cream after dinner on the back porch”, “have a lemonade stand” or “walk the dogs as a family” after mom gets off work. It’s helpful for children to have a list of suggested activities and it’s fun for them to think of a Summer Bucket List and then cross off the activities as they complete them. For example, my youngest just crossed “play flashlight tag with my friends” off and he was excited about it. As always, our Parentlink Warmline is a great resource to use if you need developmentally appropriate and fun activities to do in the summer. We would love to talk to you about how your summer is going and ways to make it as enjoyable as possible. You can reach us from 1-10pm Monday through Friday at (573) 882-7323, by text at 585-FAMILY1, or by email at parentlink@missouri.edu. We love hearing from you!
Remember, you’re doing a great job!

Help! My child is biting others at school….

April 2024

Chances are, we all have a biting story…a story about when and where we were when we heard, “I just wanted to let you know that _____ bit another child today. Or if you are like me, you showed up at your child’s school after a long day at work and saw the dreaded incident report in your child’s cubby. I remember the shame I felt. We were a peaceful family! My husband and I did not fight in front of the children and we certainly did not bite one another when we were frustrated. So where was he learning this? What was I doing wrong? Wasn’t three too old to be biting other children? Days passed and I became anxious every time I showed up to daycare to pick my child up. Would there be another report in his cubby? Did he bite the child in front of him in line again? Or was today going to be a “good” day? Everyone I talked to at work had a different solution or story to share. One colleague told me that she’d never heard of a three-year-old biting someone. She suggested that maybe he was angry about something that was happening at home. Another friend told me to just ignore the behavior. “If it’s not happening at home then don’t worry about it! Let his teachers deal with it!” Finally, my mom suggested that I bite him back. “You know, you bit me one time while nursing and I took your arm and bit you right back! You never tried to bite me again.”

None of this “advice” was helpful and I was nervous to talk to the teachers; fearing that they would suggest that something was wrong with my son.

I look back on this time and wish I could give myself a hug. On the Warmline we talk with many parents and caregivers about biting. When these types of calls come in, I feel connected to the caller and enjoy problem solving with them. I also enjoy sharing why punishment and aggressive, reactive behavior isn’t effective.

Many children go through a biting phase, especially when they do not have the words to express themselves or the feelings they have. Most children around the ages of 1 and 2 bite to relieve tension or frustration. They can also bite to attract attention and the biting behavior usually subsides around the 3rd or 4th birthday. When children do not have the words to say, “Hey! I don’t like it that you pushed in front of me and that makes me so angry and upset! And you even stepped on my foot which really hurt!” they can use biting as a form of communication. As adults, we can help by understanding general child development, and giving kids the words to use when they are frustrated. For example, we can use consistent and simple phrases like, “You don’t like it when Sam pushed in front of you. Sam, I don’t like that, please walk around me.”

 We can also spend time noticing patterns of behavior so that we can step in before the biting occurs. Proactive approaches are always more effective than being reactive. In addition, parents and caregivers can also take a deep breath. There is nothing wrong with your child if he or she bites. You are not doing anything wrong! This is usually a pretty typical behavior and response to feeling overwhelmed, overstimulated, or not having the communication skills to express themselves. When we take a minute to breathe and use our favorite Conscious Discipline strategy…QTIP (Quit Taking it Personally)…we can become less triggered and more calm. We can model for our children that we do not bite or yell when we are upset. We can talk about how we feel, walk away, hold a stuffed animal, or take some big deep calming breaths.

An important thing to remember is that our child’s caregivers and teachers want the best for them. We are all on the same team! Schedule a time to talk with your child’s teacher when you both have a minute to connect. Trying to discuss an incident report and your concerns during busy pick up and drop off times is going to leave you both feeling rushed and unsatisfied. A quick email or phone call to schedule a time to talk is best: “Hi, thank you so much for brining this to my attention. I’m not seeing this behavior at home and I want to understand what’s happening. I really value your insight. Can we schedule a time to talk?” In addition, try your best to have the conversation when your child is not present. Children pick up on our moods and tone and we do not want them to think they are a problem or that there is something inherently wrong with them. During the conversation, make it known that you appreciate the teacher and his or her communication. If possible, make a plan for moving forward. If your child like mine and always bit the same child while waiting in line to go outside for playtime, ask what you can do at home so you can reinforce positive behavior. Try to use the same words the teacher is using at school. Maybe ask for a different position in line for your child. I remember breathing a sigh of relief when I finally worked up the courage to have a conversation with my son’s teacher. We agreed on trying a different line position and to use the same phrase at school and at home: “We do not bite in line” and “We do not bite other people”. My son also enjoyed holding his teacher’s hand in line on the way out to the playground. I remember feeling so much better after the conversation and wished I had reached out earlier. Connection matters and he and I benefitted from more of it; he connected with his teacher by having a special routine and I connected with his teacher after sharing my concerns and fears. If your child is biting and you feel like you have tried everything, please reach out to our Warmline. We would love to discuss typical behavior for a toddler and walk you through strategies for redirection. You can reach us at (573) 882-7323 or text 555-FAMILY-1 to talk with one of our Family Support Specialists.

Parenting with Love: Positive Intent

February 2024

February is the month of love. It is a time to celebrate and remember love and the place it has in our homes. Love can be seen in many areas of our life, from self-love to loving our families. For parents, there is an emphasis on modeling and showing love to our children even when it is hard. We all have a need for love to help us feel safe and secure, so when children do not feel safe, they may be more likely to act out or seek other ways to obtain that feeling.

This month we are focusing on love, specifically how it relates loving our children even when they are acting out.

When thinking about this topic and these moments, the first thing that comes to mind are these questions:

What does it mean to love our children?

How can we love them even when we feel like we have nothing left?

What is my child really trying to tell me in this moment?

What does my child need to feel safe?

How can I change my mindset to help my child?

Traditional discipline tells us to punish and instill fear, while Conscious Discipline teaches us to love and ask the question: How can I turn this into a learning opportunity? There are little things you can do to help with a child is being oppositional or defiant, but it is important to not get caught up in the details. One aspect of conscious discipline that I learned and use myself is Q-TIP: Quit Taking It Personally. When a child is in an emotional state, they might hurt your feelings and cause your emotional state to be triggered. This is a good opportunity for you to realize how they are feeling, recognize how you are feeling, and take a step back and not take it personally, so you can come up with a solution. Part of helping a child regulate their emotions comes from teaching them problem-solving skills. For example, if a child is throwing a fit because their sister took one of their action figures here are some steps you could take:

Go to the victim (the one who got the toy taken from them) first and find out what is wrong by saying something like “I see that you are sad, you did not like that your sister took your toy. Tell her that you don’t like that.”

Then go to the one that stole and say something like “You wanted the action figure, so you took it, but you may not take things without asking, when you want a turn with a toy, you may say ‘May I have a turn?’ Now let’s practice.”

First, you notice and from there you can teach assertiveness skills to both children that were involved. An easy way to remember this way of problem-solving with positive intent is through these steps known as A.C.T.:

A: Acknowledge the child’s desire.

C: Clarify the skill to use.

T: Take time to practice.

When trying these skills, know that it may not always work perfectly the first time. It honestly might never be perfect and that is okay. Things take time, exposure, and consistency. Talk about how you are feeling with your spouse or significant other, take time to reflect on what may be going on in your world and how it might be impacting your children:

Have you had any big life changes?

Are they struggling in school?

Have you spent any quality time together?

Most importantly, make sure to take care of yourself so that you can be the best version of yourself for you and your children. A problem is not always solved immediately, you can’t fix every problem, but you can help come up with a reasonable solution. It is like they say, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Sometimes you have to slow down, celebrate the small wins, give yourself time to think and remember that it starts with love and connection.

New Blog!

January 2024

Welcome! We are so happy you are here. Our goal with this blog is to break down small parenting moments in day to day life and talk about them in a relatable way all while providing evidenced based information and strategies. Every month we will discuss a new topic and share a favorite parenting book and several children’s books. Our hope is that when you click over to our blog every month you will smile, say to yourself “Oh wow so it’s not just me…” and maybe leave feeling motivated and inspired to continue showing up for yourself and for your family in a happy and healthy way. We hope that you leave comments, call our Warmline at (573) 882-7323 with any thoughts or questions, or interact with us on our social media pages. We truly believe that all families matter and we are here to support you in any way that we can.

Chances are, if you talk to anyone about parenting, you will hear about bedtime. Bedtime and sleep are hot topics in the parenting world. If you type in “kid bedtime books” on Amazon you will get over 20,000 results. If you google “how to get my toddler to sleep” on Google you will see: About 562,000,000 results (0.35 seconds). If you are like me, this is overwhelming. Where to start? What to click on?

This is what information overload looks and feels like. Your anxiety spikes, you forget what you were even trying to solve, and you end up scrapping the entire idea of “figuring out bedtime”. But! You do have a lamb lamp and six new books…

As with any parenting struggle, it’s important to take a minute (or five) and ask yourself the following questions:

  1. What is the issue that needs solving?
  2. What would I like bedtime to look and feel like?
  3. How am I contributing to bedtime stress?
  4. Is what I’m asking my child to do developmentally appropriate?
  5. Am I approaching bedtime with positive intent and connection?

So often we focus on the PROBLEM, or the issue that we want to FIX instead of reflecting and looking for ways to connect. Rather than immediately venting to the mom group on Facebook about why your three-year-old won’t fall asleep earlier than 11:30pm, or googling “ways to make my kids stay asleep”, I would suggest that it would be more helpful to first, take some time to reflect on your own, maybe write out the questions and do some journaling under each question. On the other hand, if this feels strange or fills you with dread, call our Warmline and we would be happy to listen, provide information, and help you problem solve.

For example, if the issue is: “bedtime is chaotic and I don’t know where to start” take a minute to think about what you want bedtime to look and feel like. If you want it to feel peaceful and calm, ask yourself,  Do I have a consistent routine in place that reflects this? If our nights are busy is there a way to forgo doing the dishes immediately after dinner so that we have time to give our child a bath and read two books? Can we commit to this at least three nights a week? Could we lay out pajamas together in the morning and talk about what our bath time will look like? For example, setting a routine and intention could look like this conversation starter: “After we eat dinner you will take a bath while Mom helps you. We will wash our body and play with our tugboat toy. After our bath we will put on our pjs that we laid out this morning. Then you and mom will lay in bed and read two stories.” A routine does not have to be fancy or time consuming. What can we commit to that does not feel overwhelming? Will this simple routine help to create peace after dinner? Who can I ask for help to create this routine? If you have a partner can you ask him or her for help with the dishes? Can you have a conversation about who is going to do the dishes and who will do the bath? So many times we assume that we are both on the same page. But without dedicated discussion maybe both of you are assuming that it’s the other person’s job to “start bedtime” and then both of you are sitting around waiting for the other person to start the bath.

Next, ask yourself: How am I contributing to bedtime stress? What is my attitude towards bedtime? Am I frustrated and overwhelmed? Sometimes we go into a situation assuming the worst, especially if bedtime has always been a chaotic time. We say things like, “I hate bedtime” or “ugh it’s bedtime and I still have nothing done around the house”. Or, “I know you don’t want to go to bed and want to stay up and do fun things but it’s time for bed and that’s the way it is.” Our words and our intent matters. This takes time and a willingness to change. It is our job as parents to model and teach the behavior that we desire from our children. Creating consistency and talking positively about bedtime shows your toddler that bedtime is happening and that it’s not a scary or dreaded time. “After dinner we will take a bath and put on our pjs that we laid out this morning.” “After we put on our pjs you and mom will cuddle in bed and read two bedtime stories.” “We sleep so we can be healthy and feel good in our body.” Routines, consistency, speaking with positive intent will not ensure perfection, but a positive mindset sets a positive tone in the household and teaches children that “hey, it’s okay to go to bed! Bedtime is a part of our day.”

In addition, ask yourself: Is what I am asking my child to do developmentally appropriate? Am I expecting my three-year-old to jump up and down and say “YAY! It’s bedtime!” Am I expecting my child to start his or her own bath, play quietly, not cry, and dress herself?” Am I expecting my three-year-old to engage in detailed conversations with me about why bedtime is important? I would be willing to bet that most frustrations relating to parenting is because our expectations are too high and because we do not have a solid understanding of developmental stages. In addition, is there a medical issue that might be keeping my child from falling and staying asleep? Parentlink is happy to offer free child development screenings and we have an Early Childhood Coordinator, April, who would love to discuss results with you. We always recommend that you discuss any medical concerns with your pediatrician. A wonderful website is the CDC child development milestones page: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones/milestones-3yr.html

Your mom group might have great recommendations on where to meet for dinner or what book you should read next, but it’s important to consult evidence based informational sites, books, and professionals if you have a concern or question. Our Warmline is a great starting point for these types of questions.

Finally, what am I doing at bedtime to create connection? Conscious Discipline strategies promote four different ways to increase connection. Connection promotes positive behavior. You can connect in the following ways:

  1. Eye contact
  2. Touch
  3. Presence
  4. Playful situations

Am I talking to my child about bedtime and the routine while looking them in the eye? Or am I saying, “I SAID GO GET YOUR JAMMIES ON NOW!” while I am texting my girlfriend about what we had for dinner? Am I helping to wash my toddler’s hair in a loving way? Am I taking a minute to hug her or sit close to her while reading two stories? Children love touchpoints and routine. They love songs and handshakes and inside jokes. Maybe you sing a silly bath time song every time she gets into the tub. Maybe you say “Yay! Jammie time!” while fist bumping. Adults sometimes cringe at the thought of singing songs but children remember these moments and rely on them to remember “what is next”. These four face to face strategies increase connection which in turn, increases positive behaviors…and maybe a happier bedtime.

What does bedtime look like in your home? Do you struggle to create consistency and routine? What are some fun ways you connect with your kids at bedtime? We would love to hear from you and would love to connect via blog comments, social media, email, text, or phone. Here’s a link that outlines how to connect…and remember….you get a live person every time you reach out 😊